Half-baked

Microwavable chocolate cake.

Think about that for a little while. Let the idea marinate in your brain juice. Chocolate cake. Made in a microwave. If that doesn't evoke within you a childlike sense of wonder, or at the very least pique your curiosity, you are dead on the inside and I pity you deeply.

Legends of a ten-minute chocolate cake have circulated the internet for years, but it wasn't until a few days ago that I decided to search for a recipe. It took me about three seconds on Google. The reviews I found varied wildly; some were glowing, others appalled, but most seemed to agree that microwave cake was a fast, novel and tasty thing to do with a household appliance. In the name of science and boredom, I called up a buddy and made my dorm room into a test kitchen.

YOU WILL NEED:

• A microwave. Obviously.
• A microwavable bowl
• Two mixing bowls
• Something to stir with
  
• Your preferred type of baking grease (non-stick spray, a paper towel covered in canola oil, bear lard, etc)
• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter at room temperature
• 1/4 cup white sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1/4 cup milk
• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 tablespoons cocoa powder
• 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
• A pinch of salt
• About 10 minutes to throw them all together
• And the finest lady in the state of Maine by your side:

When you're through prostrating yourself before her glorious visage, we have food to make. Here's how you do it:

1. Grease down your bakin' bowl.

2. In mixing bowl 1, combine the butter, sugar, egg and milk.

3. In mixing bowl 2, combine the dry ingredients (flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, salt).

4. Mix the contents of bowl 2 into bowl 1 and stir to combine. It should look like this:

5. Pour your batter into the greased bowl and pop it in the microwave.

6. Cook on high until the cake re-inflates itself when you poke it. You want a cake that's a little bit pushy, an argumentative cake. Ours took two minutes to reach this stage.

7. Once the cake has cooled, flip the bowl upside-down onto a plate, or if you're keeping it real, a binder covered with a paper towel:

Now that's legit. What's the verdict, Izzle?

Oh, come now. It's not that bad—it just doesn't taste like chocolate. Or cake.

The texture was smooth and somewhat rubbery, and despite its appealingly dark color, the only flavor I detected was flour. It was also ridiculously dense and so heavy that I started to feel nauseous after two bites. Overall it made me think of a microwaved bike tire, or of some rancid gruel that people in the middle ages would have washed down with grog.

If you still harbor some perverse desire to make one of these, I'd suggest using melted chocolate instead of cocoa powder, and having some grog on hand just in case.